Humour
Knowledge directly from the Birds
By Ric Polansky
Mar 8, 2005, 05:14

KNOWLEDGE  DIRECTLY  FROM  THE  BIRDS!

                                                             © Ric Polansky

With the first soft petal blossoms stirring from winters dark grip,  loving parents throughout Europe are making plans for the coming year.  Holidays must be planned and co-ordinated with school vacations. Visits to grandparents arranged and yet no trip should be so far away as to not keep the little ones removed from a continued learning experience.  No institution fulfils that learning mode better than a visit to a renowned museum or stock filled zoo.

Well, here's one zoo you shouldn’t visit.  The story is a simple one. The newly elected mayor imposed a "parking tax" on the downtown area and infuriated the voters. To exonerate himself, he quickly announced that all collected monies were to be used in expanding the facilities of the local zoo to gigantic proportions. The idea saved him.  And the reconstructed zoo became a popular stop for families. Long queues were formed daily with squabbling children and scolding parents alike anxiously awaiting attendance. Inside there were bears, giraffes, wild boar, camels and llamas but the highlight of all was a new aviary filled with exotic birds with unusual colors and plumage.

All went well that first year until the arctic breezes blew and  directors soon realized they had no warm place to keep their feathered attractions.  The dilemma was solved by a quick thinking architect who suggested the birds be stored in the boiler room of the heating plant. Clever indeed except for the fact that the zoo workman had already adjusted to the frosty climes and settled in that adopted area as both their hiding place and eating zone. 

Now the story goes that initially the laborers were put off by the invasion of their nesting area by such foreign creatures. Birds of marvelous shapes, sizes, and feathers of brilliance never seen before.  “Henry, I tell ya deez are not yur normal barnyard chickens. Dey musta come from ah nudder planet or sometin'."

But, as the saying goes, "birds of a feather-- flock together" so those newly acquainted inhabitants remained steadfast friends through the frozen winter. The two legged workers stoking the fires, tellin' jokes and educatin' them birds and the avis sharin' in those stories and if not laughing were certainly hooting and howling. Pure pandemonium took place on most afternoons-- the birds were soon learning to screech, guffaw and mimic sounds.

By spring thaw everyone in the boiler room was on first name basis. In fact they all had lots of names for each other. New and unusual denominations never uttered in public. "Words" probably more popular with sailors or construction workers-- but proved classes in distinction to the parrots who minded not their vocabulary used. The birds were likewise nonchalant about when they spoke or to whom.

So, when the zoo reopened the young visitors were soon greeted by toilet tongued beaked wizards squawking a sordid language full of interesting expletives and short rude remarks greeting their wide eyed pre-pubic visitors.

By mid-day there was an entrance queue almost a mile long seeking admission into that hallowed feathered sanctum. Of course the children screamed and giggled as they beheld those astounding raving and chanting bevies. Almost each and every child was proud of their memory quotients and couldn't wait to return home to share their newly acquired expletives, interjections and ejaculations. Parents too were opened mouthed and dumbfounded when they heard them.

The article went on to report that amongst other talents exhibited at the zoo was an African Gray that could bark like a dog. When he did that the parrot chirped "glug glug glug-want a beer?  want a beer?" That was probably the least expletive of their language. The more colorful vocabulary referred to as "bad enough to make any sea faring salty dog blush" was indeed ripe with   $#%}^%  and  (^%#*]    delete delete. One ten year old who took the time to memorize a whole string of them and repeat them at Bible school on Sunday got himself a life time ban.

The solution to the dilemma was swift indeed. Within forty-eight hours the parking tax was repealed and one of the keepers at the zoo mysteriously left all seven doors of the aviary open.

So, dear reader if you should hear someone calling you unfriendly names from the sky fear not-- your God has not necessarily turned against you but an educated "winged warrior" has.